What I Wish Everyone Knew About Raising a Transgender Child
By Sara Kaplan
Illustration by Rebecca de Araujo
Parenting is like the sport of curling. We are the sweepers in front of the stone; the stones, of course, are our children. They are the ones with the momentum. We try to sweep the path in front of them to prevent them from hitting a divot or hurdle. However, those bumps are where our children learn about resilience and reality. No parent can or should stop their kids from experiencing these pitfalls — this is where all growth comes from.
But when you are an ally and parent to an LGBTQ child, you cannot help wanting to sweep a little harder. This could take the form of ensuring a school will honor name changes, pronoun changes, bathroom choices, social transitions, and educating the school community on LGBTQ history. Often, trying to stop a doctor’s office from using the wrong name or pronoun is a sweeping skill that you’ll perfect. You are often accused of being or creating the momentum of the stone, but you’re simply following your children’s lead and direction, and doing what you can to smooth the path.
Transgender is when your gender identity is different than what was assumed when you were born. When your child — or children, in my case — tell you that they are transgender or nonbinary, that is the moment you will know that your child is trans. (Some people who identify as nonbinary may or may not consider themselves trans.) They have bravely shared with you their authentic self. This information is a gift — and it’s not about the parent. You didn’t make your child feel this way, and you can’t change who they are. What you can do is listen with love and curiosity, and affirm what they are telling you.
Today’s youth often understands gender and ally-ship in a deeper sense than adults. They understand that a doctor or midwife has looked at a newborn and assumed their gender at birth based on what their body looked like. Today’s young people can also appreciate that gender identity is who you feel like within yourself. For some, this is a boy, a girl, neither, and more. All children deserve your effort through curling and cultivating community. But in many cases, transgender children's lives acutely depend on this affirming love, support, and care.
Although parents have all kinds of feelings about their child’s gender identity, these feelings would be best shared away from your child. A therapist, support group, or close friends will allow you to have your feelings heard and validated without your child needing to internalize your complex emotions. How you respond to them greatly affects their mental health and informs their future. Statistically, it takes only one adult supportive of gender identity to greatly reduce the probability of suicide or other scary outcomes for a child.
Statistically, it takes only one adult supportive of gender identity to greatly reduce the probability of suicide or other scary outcomes for a child.
As a parent, it is important to remember the time before they were born, or before you met them, when your sole wish was for a happy and healthy child. No parent knows what the future holds — who their child will love, or who will love them. However, when raising a transgender child, we feel tremendous pressure to answer every question that might arise. But all we can do is follow our kid’s lead, and listen and love them along the way.
When someone transitions, their entire immediate family transitions, too. This can be a challenging time when extended family or friends want your help in understanding and educating themselves on gender. This is not your job. And it’s helpful to have a resource on hand, like a book or website to direct them to. Although you are grateful that people want to learn and get on board, you are not their cruise director. Send them to the library, the internet, their own support group. If you encounter toxic relationships — even if it’s family — you might want to take some space until they can get on board.
Often, the transgender or nonbinary person has specific requests about how and when they would like to come out. Although this may not match your needs, it is imperative to follow their lead. Again, this isn’t about you — even if it feels like it is. Cultivating community and resources for yourself is great modeling for your child to do the same. Depending on your kid’s age, they may be ready and interested in gender-affirming care. The care will come from a team of professionals, so you know that you are not alone and that they are receiving the most loving and affirming support possible.
Being a parent to two transgender kids has taught me more than any parenting book I could have read. I have learned so much from my children, and they have made me a better person. It was an object lesson in releasing expectations I had set for my children. Being able to meet my kids, without my preconceived notions of who they would become, is another precious gift. I’m honored to support them in becoming exactly who they are and to help them blossom into resilient, happy humans.
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Sara Kaplan is the proud mother of two transgender children, and lives in Berkeley, California. Sara holds a bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Religious Studies from Ohio State University. She has battled a lifetime of food addiction, obesity, shame, and self-loathing. By taking her journey public, Sara realized the power of using a social media platform to advocate, educate, and inspire.
Sara helps to run a nonprofit, Rainbow Families Bay Area, which holds family play dates, parent/caregiver support groups, tween support groups, educational events, and social events. She loves to help families, schools, and business navigate their way to support and acceptance for a trans or nonbinary loved one, student, client, or staff.