The “Effortless Perfection” Myth Is Affecting the Mental Health of Young Women
By Caralena Peterson
photo from @effortlessperfectionmyth
Effortless Perfection: “The expectation that one would be smart, accomplished, fit, beautiful, and popular, and that all of this would happen without visible effort.”
This term was coined at my alma mater in 2003 by the Duke Women’s Initiative Report and has since been used to describe the cultural climate on campuses throughout the United States—especially among women. As a first-year student, I initially wrote it off as a superficial cliché about upholding flawless appearances, but by the time I graduated, I realized it needed to be recognized as a major mental health concern.
As someone who had been labeled as a sort of “golden girl” in high school via various awards and lofty expectations, I’d gone to college fully believing I was on the ultimate path to success. But by my sophomore year I had an eating disorder. The next year I was having anxiety attacks. In my final year I had a major depressive episode. If I was supposed to be an example of “having it all,” the vision of a person who’d “made it,” then something was seriously wrong. Especially because I knew I wasn’t the only one: I watched a lot of my friends and the women I mentored in college undergo similar experiences.
In my final year of college, I started writing The Effortless Perfection Myth to better understand the trend I was seeing (and living) wherein smart, accomplished women seemingly poised for success were fighting a dark battle, often unknown by their closest friends and family.
We don’t realize the extent to which every other member of our community is carefully holding their cards close to their chest, unwilling to show anything beyond a socially acceptable front of confident ease.
My exploration continued after college as a middle and high school teacher. I noticed the expectations and pressures of Effortless Perfection trickling down into younger age groups. I saw my younger self in a lot of the girls I taught, believing that if they could make their lives look perfect, then they would start to feel perfect. I worried about what awaited them if they continued along this ill-fated path. I decided to double down on my efforts to finish the book and dedicate more of my time and energy to educating girls, women, and their support systems about the myth.
My personal experiences, along with the research I gathered and interviews I conducted for my book The Effortless Perfection Myth, have led me to the following conclusion: Effortless Perfection thrives in environments where everyone is set on making it seem like they have everything together at all points in time. Thus, when we inevitably hit a road bump, we look around at our seemingly flawless peers and assume we are the only one struggling—which leads to comparison and secrecy with compounding shame.
We don’t realize the extent to which every other member of our community is carefully holding their cards close to their chest, unwilling to show anything beyond a socially acceptable facade of confident ease. We conclude we have to deal with our problems alone so we don’t stand out as “broken” or “the one who couldn’t keep up.”
Unfortunately, this self-imposed isolation—the sense of being “the only one”—causes the consequences of such struggles to become more harmful and extreme. We need to be more honest with ourselves and others, showing enough of our own vulnerabilities that others do not feel the need to hide their own.
Most times, those who are hurting don’t want to be “fixed” or told what to do. They want someone to be with them, to feel with them, to understand. They want someone who can say, “I’ve been there, too.” The Effortless Perfection Myth is the book I wish I had been able to read before entering college to gain an understanding of what I would encounter on campus as an undergrad. It includes five sections: self-esteem and confidence, assertiveness, body image, hookup culture, and mental health and identity. I’ve seen how the Myth seeps into each of these aspects of young women’s lives.
But this book isn’t just for young women; it’s also for parents who want to understand the cultural climate on college campuses. The Effortless Perfection Myth allows parents to understand issues their daughters might not be ready to talk about and prepares them for when their daughters are ready to open up.
As you consider the ways Effortless Perfection may be showing up in your life or in the life of someone you know, I invite you to initiate a dialogue. This takes time, patience, and trust. It can also be difficult to know where to begin. I suggest starting with the following questions:
Has struggle/failure ever been visible on your campus or has it been kept under the radar? Why do you think this is? How does this make it harder for you when you personally struggle/fail?
If you do sense that perfectionism is part of your campus culture, does it apply to academics or other aspects of your life?
Do you operate under the assumption that your success should appear to be effortless? What pressure does this add? How does this impact your desire to try new things?
When is perfectionism a good thing (if ever) and when does it go too far?
Was there ever a clear moment you felt the pressures of Effortless Perfection begin? Did these pressures slowly build or hit all at once? Where did they come from?
What does it mean to you to be “enough”?
For more dialogue questions, download The Effortless Perfection Myth Discussion Guide at www.caralenapeterson.com/bonus.
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Caralena Peterson is the author of The Effortless Perfection Myth (out now) about the gender issues today’s women face in college. She graduated from Duke University in 2015 with majors in Women’s Studies and Public Policy. She has published articles with Inside Higher Ed, The Week, She Knows Media, Ms. Magazine, Rewire News, Bustle, and more. She is also a mixed-medium artist whose work has appeared in the New York Times and Washington Life Magazine. You can check out her past work and sign up for her newsletter at www.caralenapeterson.com or follow her on instagram at @effortlessperfectionmyth. You also can watch her recent TEDxDuke on the misconceptions around disordered eating here.